I’m an all-weather type of cat. I want to be outside surveying my patch come rain or snow. And yesterday came snow. Cold, white, fluffy snow (yes I stuck out my tongue to catch a flake)-a blank canvas waiting for my dainty paw prints to create a work of art.
Well what else could I do to amuse myself, since the mice weren’t out? They better come out soon, the rascals. It’s been over a week since I left one, headless, as if beheaded by a tiny guillotine, in the house for the human parent to find.
Christmas is coming, and after five years of mice on sticks, catnip parcels and luxury cat food, my human parent needs to bring out the good stuff this year.
If she can mainline champagne with impunity, then I’ll be very cross indeed if there isn’t a bottle of Pawsecco (from Woof&Brew) in my christmas stocking. You can buy it from Aldi, of all places, so I’m not having any of this ‘it’s too expensive’ nonsense.
And if not Pawsecco, then a nice bottle of Pinot Meow or Catbernet from US company Apollo Peak will go down just as nicely.
My human parent bought me a new collar yesterday. “Finally!” I yelled when she presented me with it. She buys herself a new pair of shoes practically every weekend, but I haven’t had a new collar–or a present, for that matter–in what feels like forever.
My new collar is from the pet shop at Parisian department store BHV Marais. It’s the French flag, as I, unlike my human parent, am actually a French citizen. I was born in Picardie and have Irish ancestry. Speaking of, I heard my human parent discussing Brexit the other day. I think she’s worried they might kick her out. I’ll stay here, of course. I’ll just move in with a neighbour. One that has a bigger apartment and a bigger budget for presents…
Photo credit: Demeter Fragrance Library
My human parent tells me that US-based Demeter Fragrance Library has come out with a new perfume that smells like a kitten’s neck.
Called Kitten Fur, it ranges in price from $6 for a 1/2oz cologne mini splash to $39.50 for a 4oz cologne spray.
Apparently it smells fabulous, and I’m inclined to agree. I smell like roses, and I haven’t had a bath for five years. My human parent is always putting her face in my fur and telling me how nice it smells.
Sometimes though, when I come in at 3am reeking of perfume and cigarettes after partying with the neighbours, she makes a pointed comment about my feline fragrance and moans about how I wake her up. I say she’s just jealous because I have a better social life than her…
photo credit: Facebook/My furry babies
I caught my human parent reading the DailyMail again today. She was pouring (pawing) over an article about Insta-famous kitties Joey and Morrison of My Furry Babies fame.
She made me watch a video twice of a cat in a santa suit. I’m afraid she might be getting ideas for my Christmas present as the festive season approaches.
Good thing my Christmas list has already been written and sent off. Come Christmas morning I’ll be expecting all the usual suspects: mice on sticks, tuna, salmon, cat nip toys…. and not a piece of cat clothing in sight.
Another year, another birthday. I’m four now. I was so excited this morning that I woke my human parent up at 5.45am, demanding breakfast.
There were, at first glance, no presents to be seen. But when she got home this evening she came bearing gifts-a tin of tuna and salmon luxury cat food and a cat nip mouse that, quite frankly, doesn’t really compare with the live rodent that I dragged in the other day. Still, I suppose it’s the thought that counts.
She also told me that I share my birthday with the Queen of England, so I’ve been celebrating in similar style. Instead of waving regally at passers-by from a balcony, I’ve been watching the neighbours from the window ledge. As soon as one appears that I like, I shoot off to see them. They have cat treats you see, and leather sofas I try to sharpen my claws on.
I also like to hide in their wardrobes. No-one can see me, but I can see them…
Every weekday, in solidarity with my human parent who has to go to work and earn money to buy me cat food, cat nip and cat toys, I wake up like this when the alarm goes off.
Oh, my eyes! It can’t be that time to get up already! I feel like I’ve barely slept…
Of course, she usually gives me dirty looks as she sits there munching her muesli, knowing full well that I’ll be asleep the whole day once she finally leaves the house. Oh, and she needn’t bother to make the bed before she goes as I’ll still be in it.
Do I feel bad about our contrasting lifestyles? Her with her 9-6 and me with my sleep-til-whatever-time-I-like. Of course I don’t. I’m a cat. The only things I care about are tuna, salmon, and the birds singing outside that, no matter how high I jump, I just can’t catch.